Taking a gentle alternative to sleep-training: it works, and it's wonderful

There's a widespread fable in the parenting-advice world that goes something like this: " if you don't train your baby to fall asleep on his own, he'll NEVER learn. If you nurse him every time he wakes up, he'll get addicted to it and wake up more often. If your baby isn't sleeping through the night by 6 months you better sleep train him fast, because that's the ONLY WAY to do it. It's hard, but if you just let him cry, he'll learn to sleep on his own and everything will be perfectly easy after that."

I can't say anything about the truth of the last sentence, because I can't sit quietly by and allow my child to cry when i know I can do something to help him. I understand parents do this because they truly believe that it's "for the child's good." I do the same when my child cries in the car seat, or when he gets his shots- I hate it, but i know it's for the best. But I can tell you, from my limited experience, that the first three statements are absolutely false. I'm not writing this to tell anyone that they're evil or wrong for doing things differently than me- I'm writing this to give hope to all the new moms, who, like me, want to comfort their child and help him fall asleep peacefully, but are fearful they'll do things wrong and "he'll never learn to sleep on his own". It's not true.

I nursed my baby to sleep every night, and now that he's nursing less, he will often just lie by me on the bed, making sweet babbling noises as his wiggly feet gradually slow and stop twitching and he drifts peacefully off to dreamland. I nursed my baby every time he woke up at night because that was the quickest way for me to get him (and me) back to sleep. Sometimes he woke up a lot. Occasionally he still does, but usually now I just wrap him back up in his blanket and he goes right back to sleep. Sometimes we snuggle for a little while in my bed and I put him back in his when he's completely out again. A lot of the time he sleeps through the night on his own. Yes, he learned to do that, gradually, on his own.

I know it's not easy. I lost a lot of sleep this year. But, looking back now, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being there each night and watching the gradual relaxing process my little wiggly, energetic, full of the joy-of-life 1 year old goes through. I love feeling his little head tucked under my shoulder and his soft breath on my arm. My friends with older children who have done things similarly tell me that it gets even better. More than anything, I want my children to know that if they need me- mom will do her best to be there. I want to give them the safe home-base they need in order to fly. One of my most vivid memories of childhood is standing in my parent's bedroom door, scared by a bad dream, but not wanting to disturb them. I didn't think I'd made a sound, but my mom was immediately awake and knew it was me from across the dark room- "what is it, Margrethe?" she asked. Perhaps some would think I was too old to seek comfort, but my mom never pushed me away- she opened up her arms to me and in them I've found the strength to stand on my own.

I don't want to make anyone feel guilty for doing things differently than me. There's too much guilt-tripping and finger pointing on this issue all over the internet. Goodness knows I saw a lot of it this year when I was searching for someone to give me hope. That's what I hope this will be for someone- the faith to keep doing what you feel is best for your child. So, do what your instincts tell you, even if it goes against the parenting book. Be patient, things WILL get better. In fact, there will be moments so beautiful it will make every sacrifice you made more than worth it.

Yah, it's hard- but, oh, it's wonderful

Lately our five month old has had some trouble sleeping. I suppose it's just the milestones that come with more growth, developmental advances, and teething. It started with him suddenly taking an hour and a half to get to sleep at night. I've always enjoyed just nursing him peacefully to sleep, but all of a sudden he was waking up every ten minutes after we put him down, and just couldn't seem to stay asleep!

Having put quite a bit of thought and prayer into how we wanted to do bedtimes in our family, I had somehow imagined that doing it that way would mean it would always work, and it would always be peaceful. Being a new, inexperienced mom, hitting the first rocky patch made me question myself and the path we had chosen through the myriad of parenting opinions- what if I was doing it all wrong? Would my kids be maladjusted and needy? Would everyone else think they were and that it was all the fault of my parenting? Would it take 2 hours EVERY night for him to fall asleep? It's just so easy to beat yourself up.

Fortunately, it was just the same as every other terrible, horrible, I'll-never-make-it-through-this phase of having a baby- just a phase. We talked about it, prayed about it some more, reconfirmed why we wanted to do things this way,developed more patience and unselfishness, strengthened our communication and relationship in our marriage, and our love for our son by sacrificing for him. And after a bit of time and consistency, it got better.

Did I want a quick fix? Oh yes. Did I spend time searching the Internet for any bedtime technique that would solve all my problems and give me wake-free nights, easy bedtimes and long naps? Of course. I did the same thing during other challenging phases too, and, let's face it, I'll probably do it again.

But every time it's come back to those same things- be patient, work together with your husband, communicate, pray. Ok, and cry a little, but that's ok- you're just normal, and it is hard. But it will pass, and by pushing through it you'll develop a deeper capacity for love, a larger reservoir of patience, a better understanding of sacrifice, and stronger relationships with the people you love.

And there will be beautiful, wonderful moments, too. Like last night, as baby boy was falling asleep next to me, his feet twitching, then gradually slowing down as he completely relaxed while i nursed him. He pulled away just as he was falling asleep, then tucked his cheek up close to me. I suddenly didn't want to run away to a nice quiet evening of "me time", I just wanted to stay right there close to him a little bit longer- just to treasure that moment.

So, yeah, it's hard. But, OH! It's wonderful.

What comes naturally

I've been thinking a lot about my choice to be a stay at home mom lately. Something sparked a conversation about it between J and I, and he asked me "why did we decide to do it this way?" I thought about this for a while- are we just doing it because that's our culturally expected norm? Why am I staying at home and not him? While I feel comfortable with the decision we've made and wouldn't change it, I firmly believe we could have arranged things oppositely- him at home and me working, and been just as happy. I've often heard it said that women are naturally better nurturers, but since becoming a mom that notion has bothered me, and here's why.

Full-time parenting is hard. It's time demanding, emotionally and physically exhausting, can feel isolating, and sometimes even boring. It CAN be wonderful, fulfilling, fun and even intellectually stimulating- but if you want it to be those things you have to be proactive. I have observed that stay at home parents who are truly happy with what they are doing not only have a sense of the eternal importance of raising children, but they find ways to incorporate the things they truly love doing into raising their children- music, literature, art, the outdoors, building things, science, politics, service- whatever it may be.

Now, finding ways to orient your parenting around activities you find fulfilling is hard work. Just organizing and planning the menial tasks in such a way as to make room for creativity is sometimes difficult. No one prints out a syllabus or work schedule for me, and no one tells me exactly where to go to find activities to do. Some days I'm so tired that from lack of sleep that trying to do more than the bare minimum feels impossible. On those days it's sometimes hard to feel happy or fulfilled. But overall, I believe it is very possible for everyone who loves their kids to find full-time parenting fulfilling, it just requires a little extra work and planning to make it so.

But, if nurturing and mothering is supposed to be this innate, God-given characteristic in women, it should just come naturally to me, right? I shouldn't have to work hard at being patient and loving. I should just automatically find it fun and fulfilling, right? I should just find it easier to be happy staying at home than my husband would, right? I don't believe that's true. I believe I work hard at those things because I have to. And if some days just aren't very happy, it's not because I'm failing as a mother or as a woman, but because some days are just hard. For everyone. And I believe that if we switched jobs and decided for my husband to stay home with our children, he would have to work hard at it too, but would be able to find his own unique way of making each day meaningful.

Everyone, men and women, have been given distinct and individual gifts and talents that will help in all the roles of good parents: providers, nurturers, listeners, teachers, examples, and givers of unconditional love. We each have unique interests that we can use to teach and interact with our children in meaningful ways.The problem with lumping all men or all women into being "naturally better" at one or another of those roles is not only that not all men or all women are the same, but that it lends itself to excuses for the other gender not to work as hard at developing those characteristics. If I'm supposed to be "naturally" more patient and gentle than my husband simply because I'm a woman, then when I'm not patient I feel like a failure, and if my husband doesn't feel patient he could just use the excuse "well, that's just not something that comes naturally to me". When in fact, I don't think all the important roles and attributes of a good parent come naturally to any of us- I think we become parents in order to develop those attributes. Sometimes parenting is hard. Sometime's it's unbelievably wonderful. Everyday is a struggle in some way or another- a struggle to be better, to find joy in our own unique ways. Sometimes it's just plain tough, but we work at it. And it changes us for the better.