I've been thinking a lot about my choice to be a stay at home mom lately. Something sparked a conversation about it between J and I, and he asked me "why did we decide to do it this way?" I thought about this for a while- are we just doing it because that's our culturally expected norm? Why am I staying at home and not him? While I feel comfortable with the decision we've made and wouldn't change it, I firmly believe we could have arranged things oppositely- him at home and me working, and been just as happy. I've often heard it said that women are naturally better nurturers, but since becoming a mom that notion has bothered me, and here's why.
Full-time parenting is hard. It's time demanding, emotionally and physically exhausting, can feel isolating, and sometimes even boring. It CAN be wonderful, fulfilling, fun and even intellectually stimulating- but if you want it to be those things you have to be proactive. I have observed that stay at home parents who are truly happy with what they are doing not only have a sense of the eternal importance of raising children, but they find ways to incorporate the things they truly love doing into raising their children- music, literature, art, the outdoors, building things, science, politics, service- whatever it may be.
Now, finding ways to orient your parenting around activities you find fulfilling is hard work. Just organizing and planning the menial tasks in such a way as to make room for creativity is sometimes difficult. No one prints out a syllabus or work schedule for me, and no one tells me exactly where to go to find activities to do. Some days I'm so tired that from lack of sleep that trying to do more than the bare minimum feels impossible. On those days it's sometimes hard to feel happy or fulfilled. But overall, I believe it is very possible for everyone who loves their kids to find full-time parenting fulfilling, it just requires a little extra work and planning to make it so.
But, if nurturing and mothering is supposed to be this innate, God-given characteristic in women, it should just come naturally to me, right? I shouldn't have to work hard at being patient and loving. I should just automatically find it fun and fulfilling, right? I should just find it easier to be happy staying at home than my husband would, right? I don't believe that's true. I believe I work hard at those things because I have to. And if some days just aren't very happy, it's not because I'm failing as a mother or as a woman, but because some days are just hard. For everyone. And I believe that if we switched jobs and decided for my husband to stay home with our children, he would have to work hard at it too, but would be able to find his own unique way of making each day meaningful.
Everyone, men and women, have been given distinct and individual gifts and talents that will help in all the roles of good parents: providers, nurturers, listeners, teachers, examples, and givers of unconditional love. We each have unique interests that we can use to teach and interact with our children in meaningful ways.The problem with lumping all men or all women into being "naturally better" at one or another of those roles is not only that not all men or all women are the same, but that it lends itself to excuses for the other gender not to work as hard at developing those characteristics. If I'm supposed to be "naturally" more patient and gentle than my husband simply because I'm a woman, then when I'm not patient I feel like a failure, and if my husband doesn't feel patient he could just use the excuse "well, that's just not something that comes naturally to me". When in fact, I don't think all the important roles and attributes of a good parent come naturally to any of us- I think we become parents in order to develop those attributes. Sometimes parenting is hard. Sometime's it's unbelievably wonderful. Everyday is a struggle in some way or another- a struggle to be better, to find joy in our own unique ways. Sometimes it's just plain tough, but we work at it. And it changes us for the better.
